Studium, Ausbildung und Beruf
 StudiumHome   FAQFAQ   RegelnRegeln   SuchenSuchen    RegistrierenRegistrieren   LoginLogin

essay-correction
Neues Thema eröffnen   Neue Antwort erstellen
Foren-Übersicht -> Englisch-Forum -> essay-correction
 
Autor Nachricht
Kirstn_94
Newbie
Benutzer-Profile anzeigen
Newbie


Anmeldungsdatum: 22.02.2011
Beiträge: 18

BeitragVerfasst am: 08 Nov 2011 - 21:26:43    Titel: essay-correction

topic:
„Engaging in risky behavior is a rite of passage in our culture.“
„Danger has always held a certain allure.“

Many people around the world have already been exposed to difficult situations in their lives. Some of them surprised and involuntarily and others voluntary and convinced to endure this situation. When we think of the book “Into the wild” we can see how confident people often deal with risky situations they cannot cope with. But it is known in some countries as a ritual to be able to match up difficult situations to be deemed as an adult. However it holds often a certain allure for young people, to get to know their limits. In the following I would like to discuss different points of view and express my own opinion.

Firstly I should like to mention, that it is often good to try out something new or even something that only few people dare. Because then the sense of achievement is many times greater. However you have to be aware of what you are going to do. For example the main character Chris of the book mentioned above had a firm goal which he wanted to achieve. He spent a while alone in the wilderness without clear imaginations how to survive. In this case he seemed a little bit careless and planless.

There is no doubt that dangerous situations could cost your life if you take it too reckless. Often some people underrate situations so that it is impossible for them to succeed. Therefore such things should be reconsidered and planned. What is more is that I cannot agree that only people who persevered situations are mature because even adults often are too ingenuous.

On balance then, I feel that it is true that for some danger is held as a certain allure because there are many bold people who loves the rush of adrenalin. This proves that for example some people want to spend a year alone in the wilderness like Chris did. One can say that he is not a good role model because he was too unregenerate and naive. The main point is, that if someone really what’s to do something like Chris did, the person should be aware of it, what could happen to him. I am of the opinion, that risky behavior should be a part of our life but it is important to not exaggerate.
schnurzel91
Junior Member
Benutzer-Profile anzeigen
Junior Member


Anmeldungsdatum: 08.01.2011
Beiträge: 70

BeitragVerfasst am: 09 Nov 2011 - 19:37:32    Titel:

interesting text. But what do you want us to do with it?
Kirstn_94
Newbie
Benutzer-Profile anzeigen
Newbie


Anmeldungsdatum: 22.02.2011
Beiträge: 18

BeitragVerfasst am: 09 Nov 2011 - 22:43:03    Titel:

schnurzel91 hat folgendes geschrieben:
interesting text. But what do you want us to do with it?


maybe correct some mistakes i made or help me to change passages which are too unclear...
schnurzel91
Junior Member
Benutzer-Profile anzeigen
Junior Member


Anmeldungsdatum: 08.01.2011
Beiträge: 70

BeitragVerfasst am: 10 Nov 2011 - 23:08:05    Titel:

Well, then...
Generell kein Komma vor that (außer in abgefahrenen Situationen mit Einschüben oder so)
Lass dieses blöde we weg. Passiv benutzen; wird auch knapper und weniger Gefasel
EInleitung und SChluss sind viel länger als der eigentl Hauptteil - da kann etwas nicht stimmen
Sollst du deine Meinung erläutern oder zwei Seiten diskutieren? Der Bezug zum Buch wirkt sehr dünn - soll der eigentlich erläuert werden?
Die zwei Hauptteile sagen eigentlich fast dasselbe - schlecht vorstrukturiert.
Stil: Ankündigungen, was du in dem kurzen Text schreiben willst, oder dass du etwas sagen möchtest, klingen auf Englisch furchtbar. EInfach tun, statt ankündigen.
Many people around the world have already been exposed to difficult situations in their lives KOMMA Some of them surprised and involuntarily and others voluntaryLY and convinced to endure this situation. Hmm, komisch. Vorschlag:
Many people around the world have already been exposed to difficult situations in their lives. Some of them were unprepared whereas others faces this type of situation by choice.
When we think of the book “Into the Wild” KOMMA we can see how confident people often deal with risky situations they cannot cope with. ( Widerspruch?! entweder sie können damit umgehen oder nicht).
The book “Into the Wild” (author???) shows/illustrates how confidentLY people often cope with risky situations they have not been prepared for.
But it WHAT? is known in some countries as a ritual to be able to match up difficult situations to be deemed as an adult.
But in some cultures rituals show whether young people can deal with difficult situations in order to be considered adults.
However (hier unlogisch) it often holds a certain allure for young people to get to know their limits.
Besides, young people like to test their boundaries - but why?

Firstly, it is often good to try out something new or even something that only few people dare because one's sense of achievement is many times greater. However, you have to be aware of what you are going to do. For example the main character Chris of the book mentioned above had a firm goal which he wanted to achieve. He spent a while alone in the wilderness without clear imaginations how to survive. In this case he seemed a little bit careless and planless.

There is no doubt that dangerous situations could cost your life if you take it too recklessLY. Often people underrate situations so that it is impossible for them to succeed. Therefore such things should be reconsidered and planned. What is more is that only people who have persevered in situations are mature because even adults often are too ingenuous. Schluss ist unverständlich.

On balance then, for some danger is attractive - there are many bold people who love the rush of adrenaline. for example some people want to spend a year alone in the wilderness as Chris did. He is not a good role model because he was too unregenerate ???????????and naive. The main point is that if someone really wants to do something like Chris , the person should be aware of what could happen. I am of the opinion that risky behavior should be a part of our life but it is important to not exaggerate.
Beiträge der letzten Zeit anzeigen:   
Foren-Übersicht -> Englisch-Forum -> essay-correction
Neues Thema eröffnen   Neue Antwort erstellen Alle Zeiten sind GMT + 1 Stunde
Seite 1 von 1

 
Gehe zu:  
Du kannst keine Beiträge in dieses Forum schreiben.
Du kannst auf Beiträge in diesem Forum nicht antworten.
Du kannst deine Beiträge in diesem Forum nicht bearbeiten.
Du kannst deine Beiträge in diesem Forum nicht löschen.
Du kannst an Umfragen in diesem Forum nicht mitmachen.

Chat :: Nachrichten:: Lexikon :: Bücher :: Impressum